firstpostomg: SELF AWARENESS IS NOTHING

I made this blog four years ago, and never wrote a post, having promptly forgotten about it, only to unearth this nebulous ghost of a  blog that could have been when I clicked on blogger.com and realized I was already logged on.

Actually -- not a ghost of a blog, which presumes something that has lived at least some sort of life, but rather I discovered this pre-life fetus blog potentiate.

I know -- how self-indulgent to start off a blog with a meta-reflection on the blog's pre-history.
It's all part of the whole "yeah, I'm self-aware. I know how I'm coming off" shtick to defend myself against this blog's own insignificance. 

And yet...

My BFF and I have a saying to one another - "SELF-AWARENESS IS NOTHING."

And from the very beginning, when I first registered this blog, I was filled with a doubting self-awareness of another little blog embryo dropped into the vast  Internet universe. Of course that's why I stopped in the first place, four years ago.

The universe of the millions and millions of little blog embryos, all waiting for some recognition.

And why I began this blog with this little explanatory note - to excuse myself for even daring to start this blog.


Self-awareness raises that niggling voice inside of you that judges any of your attempts at earnestness. Because who cares about what you have to say? What does it really matter what you write? And so self-awareness results in nothing happening. It's nothing because all it does it create a vacuum from which to dump away your endeavors, any attempts to even endeavor at that something.

But if self-awareness is nothing, it should be easy to sweep away. Even so, it is it's very nothinginess is what makes it hard to grab a hold of and throw it out. It's seeps into the edges.

But then again, is self-awareness asks who cares? Yes. Who cares? Who the fuck cares?

All it can do is ask. It's comes from nothing and gives nothing.
My BFF and I* say say this to one another all the time. It's the reminder. To paraphrase Nike, fucking do it.

So here I go. Ready to hit publish...




*Yes, I'm switching back from second to first person. I was going to end in second person. But to take all responsibility, I (the "I" but also me, I) needed to come in.